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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.