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I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.