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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?