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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
I laugh in the face of normal.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.