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My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.