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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted