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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers