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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.