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No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.