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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy