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You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."