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I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
A leaf blower, but for people.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!