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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
Valentines day
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.