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If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Hash browns not tags.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.