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Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.