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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
Reincarnation is my only hope.