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Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
Gym Update: Not there.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.