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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park