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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.