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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.