Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.