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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.