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Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.