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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.