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Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.