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Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.