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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.