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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.