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I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.