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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.