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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?