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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?