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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.