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As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
TEIAM - problem solved
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...