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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
At least a stalker is there for you.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.