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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
“The darndest things.” -kids
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.