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Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.