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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.