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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues