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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.