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I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.