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I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.