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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line