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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.