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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
French people give me the crepes.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
Running behind is my cardio.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.