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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.