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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!