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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.