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I put the o in illiterate!
I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.