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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them