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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
The best things in life require no pants.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like