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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.