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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
All milk is breast milk.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.